High Anxiety

Filed Under (Anxiety, Safety, Transitions) by Estee on 18-06-2013

Two years ago today, to the day, Adam bolted. He has lots of need to run through doors, especially at my parent’s condo. I remember it well… my dad coming back from an enjoyable walk, his hand sweaty then off Adam went; so fast my dad said. When Adam saw the concierge he was familiar with when he got lost nearby their condo, he ran into his arms. My mom called me …I was not far by this time after I jumped into a cab. By the time I was five minutes away she announced that Adam was found. Adam saw the police and seemed timid in their mighty kevlar presence. Then, strategies in place, Adam felt better. I called it “operation calm down.”

Today…I got a call from Adam’s dad that Adam had bolted in his condo. Police were called. I jumped in my car and started to fly down to them. I received another call. Adam was found in the stairwell. He was okay. I stopped the car.

What are the similarities between then and now, I asked myself? I’ve been trying to keep Adam calm, successfully doing so with his team this time, his school – using weighted knapsacks, keeping his hands busy, and a multitude of other little things that I know work for Adam because I am so close to him; to write them all down would constitute an Adam how-to manual (I think I’ve written it in emails to his school, his dad, and everyone in his life, actually). Well, two and a bit years ago, the house his dad and I shared, and the one Adam stayed in after I moved out, suffered a serious fire. Adam never went back…so he was suddenly extracted from his home. His dad moved in with his parents for a while where Adam became familiar. Then, his dad moved into a condo. This was all happening around the same time his aide worker of seven years moved on, and his school announced they were closing down his class. Ah, the merry month of June.

Two years forward: Adam suffered a very bad viral croup and was in bed for one solid week. Before that Adam suffered bad hay fever with nose bleeds… an all-in-all crappy month-and-a-half. That same week of the croup, his beloved basement flooded from a bad rain storm we had here in Toronto. It’s the room where he is KING – he controls his own videos (he likes the old VHS ones and I save the TV that can play them), his OT swing, toys, mini trampoline. He is a free spirit down there. After his week of sickness and flood repair (we’re still repairing after thousands of dollars worth of serious damage) he went back to school and was having a hard time adjusting. He clenched his body and started biting. This has now abated and he cleverly taught himself to bite into a chewy toy…good on him (it’s better than people or himself). “Operation calm down” requires lots of pressure, a weighted knapsack on outings, structure, visual lists, emotional support, and more effort, planning and attention than is typically required…well I’ve said it above. I’ve learned that there are just some things that Adam needs and some things he just cannot do when certain things are happening in his life, and he communicates this loud and clear. I guess I can’t understand why others don’t understand that some people can’t do everything that expected of them. I’ve been tuned into Adam’s anxiety from the wee hours of the morning when he was born – no exaggeration. Seriously…way to sensitive myself here.

So as I’ve finished my self-help post, my hands have stopped shaking. He is safe. I’ve talked to his dad again and asked if he (dad) is okay…it’s certainly a scary moment. Maybe I’ll remember to take a deep breath after nearly a month now of holding it in. Tomorrow, back to teaching Adam. Back to strategic operations.

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About Me


ESTÉE KLAR

I’m a PhD candidate at York University, Critical Disability Studies, with a multi-disciplinary background in the arts as a curator and writer. I am the Founder of The Autism Acceptance Project (www.taaproject.com), and an enamoured mother of my only son who lives with the autism label. I like to write about our journey, critical issues regarding autism in the area of human rights, law, and social justice, as well as reflexive practices in (auto)ethnographic writing about autism.