early spring 2011

Filed Under (Acceptance, Estee) by Estee on 15-03-2011

With a glimpse of early March sun, I got an itch. I can’t stop myself from setting the date to open the pool, to think about the gardening I want to do this year, and to imagine where Adam and I will be a few years from now. I am imagining his, ours, and my future.

Next week is my birthday. I foraged through old photos of myself that I thought were taken as they say, “just yesterday,” only to realize that some of them were taken ten years ago. Adam will be nine years old this year. In the flurry of major life-transitions, I haven’t really realized how fast the time has gone. Going into my third year of single motherhood, possibilities are just beginning to dawn on me.

I have to acknowledge the writer gals who have kept me company along the way. When author of Falling Apart In One Piece, Stacy Morrison, said it took her five years to feel like herself again, I am now beginning to understand. Elizabeth Gilbert, whose quote from Eat Pray Love was included in the movie said, “Ruin is gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” I can begin to see that too. I know the book was popular and I’m not supposed to like it, but like millions of women, I did. I love memoir and it was well written. I often pay my quiet homage next to the glow of night light to Joan Didion, Virginia Woolf, Louise De Salvo, among many others.

Richard, another student from my writing class said to me that we don’t “heal” from the events or people that wound us, yet we can make it become part of us. We are both divorced and his words were well-timed. We can’t expect to abandon pain completely, but we can learn and grow from it. We can become something different.

Beauty isn’t in perfection. It’s the potential we can see among the ruin. I imagine myself like spring itself — me, Estee, the one born on the cusp of spring, on an early Monday morning in a soft and gentle rain — nurturing the earth to sprout again. I am grateful for the circle of time and that spring has returned.

So have I.

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About Me


ESTÉE KLAR

I’m a PhD candidate at York University, Critical Disability Studies, with a multi-disciplinary background in the arts as a curator and writer. I am the Founder of The Autism Acceptance Project (www.taaproject.com), and an enamoured mother of my only son who lives with the autism label. I like to write about our journey, critical issues regarding autism in the area of human rights, law, and social justice, as well as reflexive practices in (auto)ethnographic writing about autism.