“I Had A Feeling That I Belonged”

Filed Under (Family, Inspiration, Joy, Single Parenthood) by Estee on 07-02-2011

Everyone who goes through a divorce will attest, after a significant chunk of time, you can feel cast out, a little lost.

It will be a year since Adam and I moved into our new home on February 14, ironically, Valentine’s Day. As I prepared the house for him to move in, I purchased a sign that I placed on my mantel: “Friends and Family Gather Here.” I knew what was important to me. I knew I wanted to finally build my own place where Adam and I would always belong. This coming Valentine’s Day, although I hate the Hallmark cheese, I’ve got something really special to commemorate: creating love and a warm place to belong. This is a celebration.

People say that you have to live with intention. Well, I guess I did that. I make lists, I put my intentions out there a lot. I wanted to build tranquility, beauty and a happy home for Adam. After some difficult transitioning in the first few months (you can read those posts from a year ago), Adam adjusted. A bitter winter unfurled into spring and summer. Our friends came. Then, my big family on my mother’s side. It has meant so much to me, and I know, for Adam who beams when he sees people here.

Before I got married, I used to play in bands, work in art, write (I’ve always written) and paint. I’m back at it. Adam loves it. Our home is filled with simplicity and lots of music. As I learn to play the guitar again, he strums while I learn the chords. I’ve also taken up my piano playing and Adam played improvised with me for over a half hour last week, proud that he could create something with me. It was just the two of us in the basement, communicating in our way.

I’ve just learned how to play Fast Car by Tracy Chapman on the guitar. I love this song about clawing one’s way to a better life. Belonging is a big theme in my life. Ironically, it’s also a big issue for disabled people.

“Me myself I got nothing to prove.”

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About Me


ESTÉE KLAR

I’m a PhD candidate at York University, Critical Disability Studies, with a multi-disciplinary background in the arts as a curator and writer. I am the Founder of The Autism Acceptance Project (www.taaproject.com), and an enamoured mother of my only son who lives with the autism label. I like to write about our journey, critical issues regarding autism in the area of human rights, law, and social justice, as well as reflexive practices in (auto)ethnographic writing about autism.