The only way I can see autism as a possible cause is if the two parents want to respond to the autism differently and incompatibly, yet both feel strong enough to fight for their own way. Again, autism itself is not the cause, but it’s the spark that lit the fire that burns the house down.

What I believe in, though, is chances and new opportunities to become a better parent, and a better person. Maybe there are no “mistakes,” only opportunities to learn.

just wanted to note that I’m not sure that stresses are always likely to create a weaker marriage. I think it’s when the stresses pull people in opposite directions, or when one member of the group causes the stress (and could end at least part of it), that things can get dicey.

People do tend to pull together in crises… or when a situation is unavoidable and no one’s fault. But when the stress then turns into a permanent state of affairs that things get difficult. And when the stress could actually be avoided to some degree by a not-impossible change in behavior — when it’s “we’re stressed because mom has turned into a research machine and therefore mom is no longer behaving like mom” – then people start to feel angry.

And when that goes on for years, not days or weeks, it can get really overwhelming for the family.

A big stresser for us is that Tom really doesn’t thrive in public school, and so he’s mainly homeschooled. But we’re not financially able to say “you quit work while we homeschool.” So… who’s work matters most? Who arranges Tom’s curriculum, finds the right inclusive settings, drives him here or there?

Since we made this choice together, it’s easier. But there are certainly days when either one of our jobs or Tom’s education gets the short stick.

Lisa

Divorce is never easy no matter how amicable it might be, and we often can’t estimate its results on our children, especially if they are non-verbal. But it’s also not always the worst choice that can be made, and two parents living happily separate are often better than 2 living unhappily together- I wish you luck in the months and years ahead. I don’t have any doubts that you’ll be able to pull it off with grace and dedication.

So many challenges and, yes, complications, but I still, too, think of it all as a gift.

Warmest wishes to you and Adam in the new year.

I am so grateful to have my partner in life striding along beside me, hands joined. Coming up to fourteen years of a marriage which we work on and try to nurture every day. Even with a son with ASD.

I love your ability to be clear on so many conflicting things: yes, raising a child is hard, especially a disabled child; yes, marriage is hard; and, yes, child-rearing puts stress on marriages, as does a whole host of other human events. I love that you can write about the difficulties of life without copping out and blaming Adam or autism. Our culture sucks at supporting mothers in general, and is even worse at supporting those with disabilities and those living with the disabled. How much we would all benefit if our culture could learn to shift from its focus on making money and consumerism and productivity to, instead, loving and supporting and understand the many many diverse human beings who make up our world.

Wishing you and Adam a very wonderful new year.