Estée KlarThe Joy of Autism

Estee and Adam in a Mayan "Hell"

Last year, Adam was with me and my then husband in Florida as we awaited my cancer diagnosis. I remember writing some blog entries from my desk there and it seems like just a moment ago.  A year later, Adam and I are together following my two surgeries  – but I am pictured here as a new single mom. You can’t really tell from the picture above, but those caves are as dark as the path ahead I cannot yet see.

The world changes in the blink of an eye, dear friends, and the only thing certain is uncertainty. I am not going to say that life has been easy for us these past few months or that I don’t miss the way things were. I’ll be honest —  friends send flowers when you have cancer, but many leave when you get divorced. We generally do not have a great attitude about divorce and we lack very important support systems — ones I have really needed but had to create for myself over the past couple of months. People feel awkward and yet I wish to give them the benefit of the doubt anyway. I forgive, because if I were in their shoes, I may have reacted the very same way. We are all caught up in the drama of our own lives, I’ve been told.  

We need to work on de-stigmatizing divorce as much as we need to about autism and disability!  Divorce is a time when friends are needed the most, not to mention if you are the parent of a special needs child and going through divorce.  Thankfully, Adam’s dad and I are able to figure things out for the benefit of Adam’s future and Adam has a good family on both sides.

I also know that life, like that first day of autism diagnosis, must go on. We must continue to find our joy. Adam, the first six-year-old to enter a dark “Mayan” hell, came out all right. In fact, he came out magnificently. It was one of the most meaningful experiences I’ve ever had, as I wrote in my last post — about how we are all so connected to one another. If you drop a piece of garbage on the ground, that ends up back inside of the earth, and then again in us. I saw that effect by descending seventy feet beneath the earth’s surface — how incredibly fragile eco-systems are. We too are eco-systems — macro and micro. Our words and deeds effect the way they behave. The way we treat others and regard them, the way we talk about people has a very deep affect and in turn, it comes back into us. There is no way out of it, friends. Whatever we say or do to each other, comes right back to us.

Which leads me to a couple of quotes lurking in my mind in this stream-of-consciousness post: “Be the change you want to see in the world” and, “suffering ceases to be suffering in some way at the moment in finds meaning.” — that latter quote from Viktor Frankl. I have many more quotes floating around in my head these days, but it will bore you now. 

I created this new blog because many things changed this year and for the sake of it, I needed to change the look and feel. I need peace and to find meaning in all things. My writing is about my life with Adam. My ex, being one of my best editors, will hopefully play a part in much of my writing about this episode of our lives (as he has already expressed a desire to be a part of it).  I’m not sure how to navigate the path of single-motherhood yet, but as you can see from the photo above, I am trying. I am trying to keep an eye on the ball — on Adam, on people “like” Adam, and on speaking the peace and BEING the change I want to see in the world.

As he left me for school this morning in the frigid Toronto air, Adam turned, stopped and looked at me for a long time. He kept saying “bye mom,” over and over and lingered. We had spent so much time together over the holidays, just mom and Adam — going to the theatre, to Mexico. 

I guess we’re off to a pretty good start.

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